1. You are clearly barking mad, clinically insane. Seek medical help as soon as you can.
2. As it was a chap I was offering advice to, I said; Since you are approaching middle age, know that two things are now inevitable for you as a wine producer. One you will acquire a ride on mower. Two you will have an enlarged prostrate in the future. On reflection the ride on mower is more fun than the prostrate, so buy a good one.
3. In spite of what you may have been told, every bottle of Pinot you produce, you will have to sell three times. Firstly you have to persuade your distributors to distribute your wine. Then you need to help your distributor sell that bottle of wine to the retailer or restaurateur. Thirdly you will need to persuade the punter to buy that bottle of wine from the retailer or restaurateur. Then having gone to the trouble of selling your bottle of wine three times, you will not make any money from that bottle.
4. Once you have joined the world of Pinot, know that you will get to work with some of the very best people you can imagine. Creative people, bon vivants, conversationalists, mystics, philosophers, people of the land. Try not too annoy them too much. And remember this is not a competitive thing. In New Zealand we mix at events like this in a spirit of collaboration not competition. Your neighbour’s success is your success as well.
5. You will be required to attend far too many dinners and functions than you can possibly survive healthily. Give your liver a titanium coat now while you can.
6. Remember they don’t call Pinot Noir the heartbreak grape for nothing. Expect to fall impossibly, hopelessly in love with all things Pinot. It’s the folly, the glorious seductiveness, the immense satisfaction. And you must be prepared to have all your dreams shattered again and again. Your worst fears will be realised, your nights sleepless and you will be racked with nightmares. You will need courage, strength, knowledge, flair and a capacity for immensely hard work.
7. Learn humility, less you have humility thrust upon you. Distrust good reviews and try to ignore bad reviews. All wine criticism is subjective and all critics fallible.
8. Beware of scientists doing studies and wowsers. Red wine is good for you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
9. Probably the most important thing of all, you must try to avoid the word passion, as in passion for Pinot. It is an over used word and should be reserved for the sort of heightened emotion that can happen between two people that may possibly result in the discarding of trousers. If you are a grower of Pinot, you may lose your shirt, but you are unlikely to lose your trousers.
10. Give thanks to all those that have led the way before you. To the countless generations of Burgundian monks and peasants that developed the grape and learnt to deal with it. And to the pioneers in New Zealand. Tread carefully because you are honoured to tread in their footsteps. ν
